Wonkette once again dives into the serpent pit that is the Sarah Palin Channel. (I wonder what anti-venom they use over there?)

Wonkette provided part of a transcript, but I fleshed it out because apparently I am just that much of a glutton for punishment.

Here it is: 

Hey friends! Y’know, back in the 1990s, Bill Clinton said that he wanted abortion to be safe, legal, and rare. Well, things really have changed since then, this is so unfortunate now — it appears as if Democrats, most Democrats, they want abortion to be safe, legal, and…celebrated? Mmmm. 

Feminists, lately, who are in favor of abortion, they’re encouraging women to write or speak publicly and glowingly about how great having an abortion is, how great it was for them and their careers. My goodness, I find this really, really sad. It's dark. It's tragic in itself. Mmm, very sad.

In the past, even those in favor of abortion knew that it's a tragic event, not something to be celebrated like a rite of passage.

Look I know from personal experience how difficult it is when you find yourself in less than idill (sic) circumstances and you are pregnant. (Yep, it's called the Wite-Out solution.)

I know the strain it can have on you. On your family, On your career. So I can sympathize with women who find themselves in THAT situation. I know what she's going through.

But I also know that you will never regret choosing life. (You KNOW that? What, do you have crystal balls or something?)

In the sunset of your life, when you look back on all your choices that you made, and all of the things that you have accomplished you will never regret giving life to your children. I promise you they'll be your greatest joy. (And boy we all know how much a Sarah Palin promise is worth, don't we kids?)

I've never met anyone at their end of their life regrets having their kids. (What, is she hanging out in old folk's homes and critical care units these days?) But I have heard of many people who regret snuffing the life out of their child. (Okay for the record, abortion does not entail choking a baby to death.)

You know a final not for these would be feminists. They're not real feminists, They're not pro-women when they're celebrating women snuffing the life out of , say the youngest sisters in our society. (Wait, what?)


Little baby girl in the womb even. 

No a real feminist is someone who fights for women to have real choices. (She does realize it's called the "pro-choice" movement right?) And that means having the choice to keep your child and pursue a career. Or give life to your child and allow another family to raise that child and then pursue your career. (Actually Planned Parenthood supports all of these choices as well. So her idea of having MORE choices is to do away with one of the choices offered by the pro-choice movement. Yeah okay.)

Having children is really a part of so many women's lives obviously. (But not ALL women's lives. Or does she simply not get that?) And in this day and age with the amazing technology we have that transcends the old office structure, right in the corporate world or in the big or small business world, women shouldn't have to sacrifice her career to raise a child.

You may take a break, if you will, to spend that valuable time with a child but you don't have to sacrifice your career and never go back in order to give life to a child.

Building a culture of life which America needs. A culture of life where we respect the sanctity of  innocent life. It means encouraging a world where career women can raise their children. It's something that everyone, from both sides of the political aisle, should get behind.

Mmm, and I hope and pray that America will.
 
God hearing Palin condemning women for making choices concerning their own bodies is like  hearing Mike Huckabee or Chris Christie telling somebody that they should not be taking that second helping of pie.

P.S. For those wondering just what in the hell Palin is blabbering about I think this might help to explain it.

P.P.S. For those who are wondering the post you are waiting for will publish at 6:15 AM Alaska time, or 10:15 EST time depending where you live.

Sarah Palin's racist Facebook page gets noticed, and apparently she is now using Cyber Monday to trick people into buying a subscription to her batshit crazy channel.

So the folks over at Mediaite happened to notice this racist post of Palin's the other day.

Here was their take: 

It appears that Palin lifted the image from the Facebook page of Mad World News, a website that is “firmly devoted to bringing you the truth and the stories that the mainstream media ignores.” 

Besides numerous quote-mark errors, the joke quote doesn’t appear to reflect reason or reality when it comes to what the president has actually said about looting in Ferguson. But that didn’t stop Palin from sharing it with her 4.4 million fans and letting them have at it.

Yes, essentially the only people who found it humorous were folks who see brown people as  inhuman mongrels unfit to live and work among good, hard working, Christian white people.

Otherwise known as Sarah Palin fans. 

Over at Wonkette they noticed that Palin was also trying to jump on the Cyber Monday bandwagon:

Governor Quitterface is in on the Cyber Monday action ahead of schedule. If you go to the Sarah Palin Channel right now (no link, because seriously?) you may find this message, teasing a personalized “mystery price” for new subscribers. 

We already have a subscription (thanks, Fartknocker, remind us to murder you when we meet in person) so we did not click through to find out how much money we could save, but spoiler alert, it is zero dollars. 

A "Mystery Price?"  Oh yeah, that's a brilliant marketing ploy!

Wonkette also gifts us with a segment from Palin's faux cooking demonstration.

Most of us have already seen, and mocked this earlier, but hey it's almost Christmas so what's a little re-gifting among friends?

(Seriously what kind of an imbecile tries to recreate the recipe for Cinnabon cinnamon rolls with absolutely no knowledge about cooking?)

Wonkette has another Sarah Palin video for you. I think you will find this one familiar.

Now some of you have already see this because I linked to it on Friday, and of course we have already spent some time mocking it.

However when it comes to mocking Wonkette certainly sets the standard: 

On this week’s installment of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, Governor Quitterpants looks right into the camera and argues with herself for six minutes. Democracy is good, Palin says, and since the Republicans won in 2014, the will of the voters must be respected. In 2012, however, when Barack Obama became the first president since Eisenhower to win at least 50% of the national vote in successive elections — well, that didn’t count. Not in the same way, anyhow. The voters did not vote to make Barack Obama king in 2012; instead, they voted to make Republicans king in 2014. 

"He’s rejecting our democratic system, he’s turnin’ it into the Democrat system, big D, Democrat system. Failed policies. And he’s placing our nation in grave danger. 

In 2012, voters reelected President Obama, but they did not make him king. Yeah, they reelected President Obama, and I say quite often in some speeches that I give that, oh, ‘The era of Obama is almost over,’ got two more years, right, soon? It’ll be over. And we’ll survive this president — the question is, Can we survive the people who voted for him twice?"

Unlike us the Fartknocker Report did not focus so much on the fact that Palin suggested that Americans who voted for the President were something the country needed to survive, and instead focused on the fact that Palin did not choose to hide this video behind a paywall, like many of her most frequent helpings of batshit crazy word salad:  

People might think that Palin’s just trying to get her message out to as many people as possible, that personal profit doesn’t matter to her, but those people make us laugh and laugh and laugh, oh how they make us laugh. This self-inflicted breach of the mighty Palin paywall coincides with the Sarah Palin Channel offering a new, cleaner layout. Some of our very most favorite features, like the vocabulary building Word of the Day, are now buried at the bottom of the page (Today’s word is “edify: (v.) to instruct or benefit, (v.) particularly in relation to intellectual or spiritual matters; to uplift.”). 

New look, new freemium approach to content? She’s gotta be losing subscribers…right? Please, please let her be losing subscribers, so this can end. 

I completely agree with Wonkette that putting this video on Facebook rather than the Sarah Palin Channel, does indeed seem to indicate that she knows full well that hardly anybody will see it, or comment on it, while it is tucked behind the SPC paywall. And that means she is undoubtedly losing subscribers which is really saying something since as far as we can tell there were not that many in the first place.

And not to pat myself on the back with too much gusto, but I did kind of predict this all along: 

Will it actually be successful however? I seriously doubt it.

Of course you don't exactly need to be Nostradamus to call this one.

That is why Palin has now gone from this.

To this.

I recently heard from our old friend Mercede Johnston who wanted to know id she was just seeing a bad picture, or if Sarah Palin's looks had actually faded that badly.

I think you know how I answered her.

Wonkette once again dips their little piggies into the Sarah Palin Channel cesspool, and discovers Palin giving a book report. Wait, what?

This courtesy of Wonkette: 

How did all this come up? Because one of Palin’s subscribers asked if she’d read Chambers’ 1952 best-seller Witness as an example of how all that has happened before will happen again, only this time it’s Barack Obama who’s the godless communist infiltrator, and this time, he’s also a Muslim! DUH, Palin has read the book, it was one of Reagan’s faves, and of course her favorite part involves Jeebus. 

"It’s the part where [Chambers] describes the critical moment when he began his break with communism, when he saw the light. It was the moment when he first realized that God exists. Ah this is, this is awesome and inspiring to me, how it happened. It happened while he was doing something every parent here has done — he was watching his baby daughter sitting in her high chair eating her breakfast. And as he looked at her intricate and perfect little ears, he suddenly realized that those ears could not have been created by any chance coming together of atoms in nature, which was what the communists believed. No, he knew they had to have been created by an immense design, and that design presupposes God!"

Is anybody else having a weird out of body experience while listening to Palin blabber on about God and ear design?

Especially considering the mystery surrounding the ears of a certain child whose auditory receivers seem to change shape as often as Sarah Palin's bustline:

There is a saying that criminals often return to the scene of the crime, but it is also true that liars often revisit their fabrications, just to see how well they have stood up over time.

As we know Palin is constantly bringing up Trig's crazy birth story, almost begging people to call her out on it. And now it seems that there are other deceptions that she is equally proud to remind people about.

By the way as Wonkette points out there is quite a lot of evidence within the fossil record to explain the evolution of the mammalian ear.  None of which I would assume would make any sense to a person of Sarah Palin's intellectual limitations.

Though it is interesting that Palin so readily dismisses the evolution of the ear, when there is ample evidence that Trig's ear continued to evolve even after his birth. (Eventually of course returning to its original form.)

Speaking of limitations, does anybody really believe she actually read that book?

Cause I don't.

Wonkette is very disappointed with Sarah Palin's grifter work ethic. Seriously, is she even TRYING to live off of other people's stupidity anymore?

"Immigration. According to a new Center for Immigration Studies (A conservative organization. And you know how THEY are with statistics.) report, 41 million immigrants, legal and illegal combined, now live in the United States, that’s a big chunk of the population.

We all agree America was built by immigrants and hard working LEGAL immigrants, they're some of our most valued and valuable citizens. We also know though that we've had years of stagnant wages and tens of millions of Americans face unemployment and under employment. (Is she advocating for a raise in the minimum wage?)

Millions are so discouraged that really they've just given up looking for work. Do you know what that does to a culture? Much less an economy? I also know that we have terrorist enemies for whom our open borders, they're a tempting target. (Oh yeah it is not only the loss of jobs that we can blame on border security, it is also potential terrorist attacks. Boo!)  If we have trouble maintaining high wages for blue collar workers why are we allowing cheaper foreign workers to come here ILLEGALLY, to compete with Americans for scarce jobs, Mr. President? When we're at war with radical Jihadists why are we barely monitoring our borders? (Has she even BEEN to the border?) We're allowing huge increases in immigrants from terror exporting countries right? Like Saudi Arabia and Pakistan? (Is this a question, or are these facts that she pulled out of her ass?)

When I say that we're experiencing a flood of immigration I mean it. (Oooh, she means it.) The population of immigrants has soared by ten million, since just the year 2000. I am thankful, I know you are too, that we live in a country that welcomes immigrants. But illegal immigration, it hurts Americans of every race, every background, and we can't continue to allow unrestricted, illegal immigration, through our open borders, and unenforced overstayed visas. (We are doing none of that, but it really might help if Congress was not always cutting the funding for border security.)

We're not enforcing immigration laws that are already on the books. (Wrong!) Our prosperity, and our security, they depend on a reasonable immigration policy, And open borders, they're simply insane. (Ah, finally a topic that she understands.) It's especially insane when it's coupled with a growing welfare state. An expanding welfare state, open border, that's a recipe for bankruptcy of a country. (This President saved us from bankruptcy you crazy bitch!)

Our President now promising that he is going to wait until after the midterm elections to ram down America's throat, his comprehensive immigration reform, that he's going to do to us whether Congress acts or not. We need to ask the President, and I wish some ballsy reporter would ask the President this instead of some softball questions that he's always given. (Okay my hypocrisy meter just burst into flames.) 'If it's so good Mr. President. If your immigration reform policies that are coming our way, if they're so good, so great for the economy, great for middle class workers, great for society as a whole, great for the idea of obeying laws in America, if it's so great why are you too chicken to do it before the midterm elections?' (She's know exactly wh yhe has to wait, and it is NOT because the policy is bad.)  Because you know, you are going to do this to America against the will of the people. And open borders make no sense in a world where deadly diseases now, and terrorists can breach borders and cause immense harm. It's time, now it's past time, for the President to secure our borders."

So to be clear we are now under attack by, not only terrorists crossing an "unsecured border" but also diseases that are floating across to kill Americans in their sleep.

Damn am I glad I never had this lunatic read me a bedtime story.

This video of course came to us from the great folks over at Wonkette, who find themselves a little disappointed in the Sarah Palin Channel's output:

In the last seven days, the Sarah Palin Channel has published exactly nine minutes and twenty-eight seconds of content. Three minutes of that total is “Behind the Scenes” reels, one of which centers on Sarah going to a barn in North Carolina last year (it was Billy Graham’s barn, and it was a very boring visit). That means Palin’s team produced about six minutes of content in the last week, so yes, this is probably the laziest political grift we’ve ever covered in our short time as Yr Wonket. But by the same token, it is also the most ruthlessly efficient. 

Here’s where we see Palin’s efficiency on display. There is no superfluous movement as she pivots from “OMG SO MANY IMMIGRANTS” to “years of stagnant wages,” to our decadent and declining culture. There’s no attempt to explain how these numbers connect with each other, and certainly no attempt to provide a plausible explanation for how low-wage immigrants have driven down the incomes and work ethics of middle-wage workers with whom they don’t compete. Yet somehow, all these economic dominoes have lined up to crush the American worker’s last iota of moral fortitude. How? It’s simple commonsense, and you’d know that if you weren’t a Dumbocrat liberal. 

This is Palin’s American dream — a place where anything is possible, including the weaponization of Ebola. In Sarah Palin’s American dream, the possibilities are limitless so long as you were born here and don’t have a funny last name. And as regards the tired, poor, huddled masses, Sarah’s not opposed to their yearning, necessarily – she just wants to make sure all that breathing won’t spread disease or convert anyone to Islam. 

And this, THIS is the woman who still gets invited to provide political commentary on Fox News, and whose endorsements are still welcomed by a desperate few.

Yes I'm looking at you Bill Walker. 

Just in case we forgot why we mocked Sarah Palin before the drunken brawl, Wonkette has some video of her comparing climate change to eugenics to remind us.

Palin starts off making fun of the computer models the climate scientists use to make predictions concerning global warming, and calls their concerns about our warming planet a "con job.'" Which considering she lives in Alaska is especially egregious.

But don't worry she is no climate science denier (Except of course she is.):

"Look I'm not a denier, I don't doubt that climate change exists. I live in an arctic state as Governor traveling around the coastline, especially up in the arctic you can see changes based on the cyclical pattern of climate and weather, always changing. We can see the effects of changing weather patterns, not only on the coast line, elsewhere on land, but no one has proven that these changes are caused by anything done by human beings, via greenhouse gasses. There’s no convincing scientific evidence for manmade climate change. The climate has always been changing. Climate change is to this century what eugenics was to the last century. It’s hysteria, and a lot of it’s junk science. And when it’s as discredited as eugenics, y’know a lot of people are going to look very foolish and heartless. Why heartless? Because this global warming, climate change hysteria hurts the poorest among us. We hear all the time about how liberals care supposedly more for the poor than conservatives do. But for the sake of climate change? Liberals hold back the poorest parts of the world from the kind of development that we have in America."

Holy crap! Is it even possible to be this  disconnected from reality?

She lives in a state where the effects of climate change are negatively impacting its residents every day and entire communities have had to leave villages they established hundreds of years ago in order to keep from being washed out to sea.

But then what can you expect from the woman who did nothing while Alaskan natives nearly froze to death and starved in their homes on her watch?

So yes Sarah Palin is one of the most mockable people on the planet, and that was BEFORE audio was released which demonstrated to the world that she and her family are a bunch of drunken Wasilla-billies.

And thank you Wonkette for reminding us of that fact. 

Sarah Palin admits that she's a bitter clinger, and Louisiana Senate hopeful Rob Maness does not demonstrate good strip club etiquette.

So Wonkette is continuing to do their Sarah Palin Fartknocker schtick, despite threats from the Sarah Palin Channel about "borrowing" from their videos.

I found the one from today kind of "meh," but the videos they posted contained some hidden gems.

First up we have a video from way back when the Koch brothers were paying anybody even remotely connected to the Republican party to stump for Pat Roberts in Kansas.

As you probably remember Palin went and pretended to like people to touch her while handing out cold pancakes with a side of wilted word salad.

You know what it’s going to take for America to be saved, and that is, that Republican Party bein’ strong there. 

He’s pro-ANWR, pro-life, pro-gun, he — you got a lot of bitter clingers and wingers around here, don’t you? I’m proud to be with ‘em! 

Yep wilted. 

As you can see the person working the camera was clearly going through some kind of withdrawals and could not hold it steady to save their life. But hell it's just going up on the Sarah Palin Channel, so who really gives a shit?

The next video is my favorite, and it is from back when Palin traveled to Louisiana to find the one creature whose flesh was colder and more abrasive than her own.

Yeah now see if Maness had spent any time researching Palin's past interactions with those she has endorsed, he would know that she does not like to have the money handed directly to her.

She either wants it sent to SarahPAC directly (After it is laundered of course.) or stuffed surreptitiously into her g-string as befits her station as a political pole dancer.

And for that it is always best to use paper money, as coins tend to come loose as she is shaking her "thang" and that could not only put out an eye but also negatively impact her income.

And if you noticed she was not terribly pleased that he reached out to hug her either. Once again that is bad etiquette as everybody knows there is no sex in the Champagne Room. And let's face it, hugging is as close to actual sex with Sarah Palin that anybody really gets these days.