Sarah Palin literally calls in her appearance on Todd Starnes big Fox News hyper Christian, military loving, Ronald Reagan corpse masturbating, Christmas special.

Okay so the other day I was poking fun at the Pillsbury dough boy here and his upcoming Christmas special, and I described his lineup as follows: 

As you can see the program features a who's who from the "I have never heard of these people" list. And of course Sarah Palin, who is only a handful of years away from being added to that list.

So as all of you know I just say stuff. I really don't think that anybody is paying attention most of the time.

Especially the person who is the subject of my posts.

But this time I may have been wrong about that. Because as it turned out Palin herself may not have wanted to be included on a list of "I have never heard of these people."

So instead of flying out to the Fox News studio, Palin simply phoned it in. Literally.

Here is how Wonkette covered it:

Sarah Palin, phoning it in from Wasilla, Up-There-In-Alaska. Because Jesus might be the reason for the season, but he’s not reason enough to hop a plane to show up in person. 

The other reason for the season, besides Jesus, is a reminder to buy Sarah Palin’s book about the “War on Christmas,” which apparently was inspired by none other than Todd Starnes and his coverage of those who would “take Christ out of Christmas” — by failing to buy Sarah’s book, we assume. (Wonkette also has the video.)

So to be clear not only did Palin NOT show up in person for the "special," but she also took up valuable airtime hawking last year's ghostwritten Christmas book that nobody bothered to buy in 2013.

Now I have to admit that I don't watch Christmas specials anymore, but my memory of them were that they had actual people who showed in person up to perform, like the Mandrell Sisters, Jose Feliciano, Johnny Mathis, Mariah Carey, and so on. All dressed up in suits and beautiful gowns to entertain the audience.

I simply cannot think of a single incident where a guest simply phoned in their appearance so that they could stay home in their pajamas and drink instead.  Can you?

I think that indicates just how little Palin thought of Todd Starnes and his "Christmas special" jam packed with people nobody had every even fucking heard of.

And trust me, if you cannot even get Sarah Palin to show up at your event you have really sunk to a new low. That woman once showed up at a bowling alley trade show for fuck's sake, and yet she would not show up for this.

Damn, that's gotta hurt!

Sarah Palin and the "Grift that stole Christmas."

Well I already shared with you Palin's attempts to trick people into buying that crappy Christmas book of hers again, but as it turns out that is only the beginning of her attempts to sell you sub-par products.

Palin is also pimping a Fox News holiday special with Todd Starnes, who is so freaked out about the imagined "War on Christmas" that he is apparently constantly stuffing his face with comfort food to calm himself down.

As you can see the program features a who's who from the "I have never heard of these people" list. And of course Sarah Palin, who is only a handful of years away from being added to that list.

But Palin is not finished yet.

Her Facebook page also features a promo for a Christmas song by the world's worst band Madison Rising, that is SO bad you will probably want to ask Santa for a new set of eardrums.

Madison Rising. This band never ceases to amaze. Heartstrings pull and gratefulness soars while listening to this vocal Christmas card they send to our United States Military. These are special musicians blessing us with the American spirit boldly coursing through their music. Thank you, Madison Rising, for using your talent to inspire and empower. Thank you, troops, for everything. 

- Sarah Palin

Yeah apparently the "American spirit boldly coursing through their music" takes the place of any talent.

Wait, you don't believe it could be that bad?

Okay you asked for it.

Sorry you doubted me now?

And the grifting has now spread to other family members as well.

Such as older brother Chuck, who is now just outright begging for money, so that he can take pretty pictures and put together some kind of book that will never sell.

Here is Wonkette's take: 

We’ve had a lot of fun over the years laughing until we puked about how former half-term governor Sarah Palin loves to fleece rubes. (You and your family should probably check Grandma’s bank statements before you send her to the home.) But did you know grifting is an art you can learn? It’s true! Just ask Palin’s brother, Chuck Heath Jr., who has a kickstarter up for the fine and noble purpose of buying Chuck Heath Jr. some new camera equipment! 

Yeah that about sums it up. 

Hey isn't Chuck's sister like rich or something? Why the fuck doesn't he just ask her to give him money to help him get started?

Never mind I already know the answer to that one. As Todd Palin's likes to say, "What's in it for us?"

I really have only one request for Santa this year, and it is not so much a gift I would like as merely a promise to guide his sleigh right over a certain house in Wasilla when his reindeer feel the need to relieve themselves.